Strange Bank Moves To Napa
Anyone who watched western movies as a kid is probably amazed that Wells Fargo Bank has the stagecoach as its logo, because a stagecoach seen in any given western movie was about to get robbed. Now there is a local bank that has moved into town, and instead of having a logo that suggests robbing the bank, the bank’s name itself suggests a robbery: Rabobank, which sounds suspiciously like “rob a bank.”
There is probably some federal law that prohibits mentioning this inside the bank, so no rational person will ever be able to point it out to anyone in the bank. You would think that at some point filling out federal forms, ordering stationery, buying a storefront sign, or whatever, someone on the bank’s payroll would notice that the bank’s name sounds a lot like “rob a bank,” but apparently not.
This is probably the worst corporate name since the rental-car company that sounds like “Anus Rental-car.” But there is definitely something even stranger about Rabobank than its name: I found this photo online, and just look at the size of the checks that Rabobank issues!
Missing Hikers In Papua New Guinea
This is the last photo sent to me from some friends who went
on a hiking trip through Papua New Guinea. Apparently they were trying out a new way of hot-tubbing. I don’t believe all the talk about cannibalism in Papua New Guinea — the locals there are very friendly and outgoing. Anyone who knows of their current whereabouts, please give me an e-mail. They are missed.
Let Them Do Their Job!
Rachel (a.k.a. the Whinespawn) now has most of the old Batman shows on DVR, and all I want to know is this: is it possible for the dynamic duo to do something as simple as rappel down the side of a building without Don Ho or Sammy Davis Jr. sticking their head out of a nearby window and trying to start up a conversation? Come on people! They have crime to fight! Let them do their job!
Batman’s Revealing Tights
Feeling kind of dumb here. I never noticed when I was growing up, watching Batman the
lack of, shall we say, coverage Batman had on his groin area. In today’s episode Batman and Commissioner Gordon were looking at something on a table and a few inches away … there it was! Holy exposure! Batman should have at least worn a cup or something! And the bad guys who always tried to punch him in the face: they should have just kicked him in the nuts — he obviously had no protection!
A Tough Life
Davy Jones, former lead singer of the Monkees, passed away today. I didn’t follow his career very closely but I was a nominal fan of some of the the Monkees songs back in the day.
Anyway, although he was a real heartthrob at his peak, Davy Jones’ looks suffered by a strenuous lifestyle and lack of exercise, and possibly even smoking and drinking. Just look at the two photos I found after doing a Google
image search of “Davy Jones,” the first being a photo of Davy Jones in 1967, the second being a more recent photo, in which he obviously looks like crap. Let this be a lesson to us all: eat healthy, live right, take your vitamins, exercise, use sunscreen, and stay away from cigarettes and booze.
A Proposal For The TSA
Yes, the TSA can soon serve a purpose besides annoying people who have a flight to catch.
A proposal found in today’s Red State website proposes that the TSA not only grapple
and man-handle people as always, but also conduct breast, testicular or colorectal
exams (or all 3!) on passengers on the way to their flight. Mammograms and pap smears are also a possibility. And there will be no temptation to wave through anyone who looks like Mohamed Atta, as is usually the case, because the medical exams will be providing a medical benefit.
It’s just crazy enough to actually happen! And I can’t believe a serious website like Red State would publish such a proposal! (Oh yeah, it was a vanity post on my part!)
My brother Norman Lehnert played the part of “Dan” in the movie 127 Hours, and if you ask anyone in our family, Norman easily stole the show in that movie, even though “Dan” appears only at the very end of the movie. I decided to write a “Part 2” to that movie and try to get Norman to be in this movie too. As a matter of simple arithmetic, 127 x 2 = 254, hence the name of the sequel, 254 Hours.
The sequel takes up right where the original left off, when Dan helps the James Franco character get to an ambulance and then go to the hospital. But in the sequel, Norman’s character realizes what an amazing story he had just been a part of, and how the James Franco character will soon be healed and live a life of fame and fortune with his one remaining hand.
Norman’s character starts thinking that the hand that the James Franco character left behind in the mountain would someday be worth a lot of money, so Norman’s character takes off on a hike to find it.
Eventually Norman finds the hand and puts it into his backpack, but then gets his own foot stuck in some nearby rocks. First he laughs to himself, “you have to be kidding,” then gets scared, and repeatedly tries to get his foot free. 254 hours later he decides to cut his foot free, then he limps back out of the mountains to try and get an ambulance.
By that time the James Franco character is healed and healthy again, recounting his own experiences to a camera crew that is filming a bio of his experience. Norman’s character hobbles out of the mountain and meets the James Franco character, who gives him some water and calls for an ambulance. In the closing scene, Norman looks back at James Franco as the ambulance is about to leave and says “thanks Aron. I can give you your hand back. I was going to sell it on Ebay for a lot of money but if you want it it’s yours.” The James Franco character says “no thanks. You went to a lot of trouble to get that hand so you can keep it. Who knows, maybe someday I can go get your foot and we can trade.” Everyone has a good laugh and the closing credits roll.
This movie is Oscar bait! I can hardly wait for Part 3!
Cinderella Saved By The Smell
Cinderella’s glass slippers were tight but because of her foot odor she didn’t say anything for fear that it would attract attention to her feet. At midnight she was happy to get rid of the slippers and high-tail it away from the ball. Unfortunately, her step-sister’s foot fit perfectly into the slipper, so the prince agreed to marry the step-sister but it just didn’t feel right. At the rehearsal dinner Cinderella was sweating and this caused her feet to smell
pretty bad. The prince recognized that same pungent foot odor and changed fiances on the spot, and then Cinderella and the prince got married and lived happily ever after!
Rudolph An Abusive Jerk On The Set
The Rudolph show was deceptively innocent. Rudolph was actually a bully on the set and picked on the other reindeer actors. And after being “rescued” the misfit toys are kicked
out of Santa’s sleigh mid-flight with nothing but umbrellas. Yukon Cornelius had a drinking problem, and Clarise was abusive to the staff. Herbie, the elf who wanted to be a dentist, got hooked on laughing gas and his dental practice scenes were cut out of the show. The reindeer Donner got so tired at all the Donner Pass jokes he got into a fight with a gaffer, and spent a night in jail.
Singing To Claude Rains?
So there I was, a few years ago, visiting a church and they started singing what sounded like “Our Claude Rains.” I never got the hand-out with the lyrics, and there were no
hymnals or lyrics on an overhead. “What is so great about Claude Rains?” I wondered. I knew he was a good actor, and I liked Casablanca as much as the next guy, but why did this church consider him theirs and why were they singing a song to him? Why, this was the clearest case of idolatry I had ever seen! Needless to stay, I didn’t stick around.
Rudeness On An Airplane
A 50-something year old woman arrived at her seat on a crowded flight and immediately didn’t want the seat. The seat was next to a handicapped man. Disgusted, the woman immediately summoned the flight attendant and demanded a new seat. The woman said “I cannot sit here next to this, uh, person,” gesturing to the handicapped guy. The flight attendant said, “let me see if I can find another seat.” After checking, the flight attendant returned and stated, “ma’am, there are no more seats in economy, but I will check with the captain and see if there is something in first class.” About 10 minutes went by and the flight attendant returned and stated “the captain has confirmed that there are no more seats in economy, but there is one in first class. It is our company policy to never move a person from economy to first class, but being that it would be some sort of scandal to force a person to sit next to an UNPLEASANT person, the captain agreed to make the switch to first class.” Before the woman could say anything, the co-pilot arrived and gestured to the handicapped man and said, “sir, if you would so kindly retrieve your personal items, we would like to move you to the comfort of first class as we don’t want you to sit next to an unpleasant person.” Scattered applause could be heard among othe other passengers nearby.
“Well,” said the lady, trying to smile. “At least I get a vacant seat next to me. These middle seats can get pretty crowded.”
“Excuse me Mr. Co-pilot,” said a nearby fellow passenger, looking like he weighed about 450 pounds. “If you don’t mind, I would like to move to the seat next to that lady.” The co-pilot gestured to the open seat, “sure – be my guest.”
“But…” whimpered the lady. The heavy guy settled in to the seat next to the lady, the love handles from his right side settling onto the arm-rest between the two seats and spilling over into her lap. “Oh gross,” the lady said, her face turning red.
This was too much for the surrounding crowd, that leapt to its feet with a thundering ovation. The co-pilot had a big grin as he turned to go back to the cockpit
If you are against discrimination against the handicapped, share this.
What is it about bowling that when you make the occasional strike, you have a sudden urge to yell out “that’s what I’m talkin’ about!” and do a sort of victory/gloating dance and then trash-talk the bowling abilities of the people you are bowling with? I wasn’t even drinking!
Happy Thanksgiving! This Friday, 390 years ago, in Plymouth, Massachusetts, the Pilgrims celebrated their first Black Friday shopping day, by hunting for bargains and
haggling with the local Indians, the Wampanoag Tribe, who sold the pilgrims seeds for harvest and dolls and toy soldiers made from corn husks. This is also the first known case of layaway in the New World. The Post-Thanksgiving shopping day was officially signed into law by Pres. George Washington 212 years ago, who celebrated the event by buying some new wooden
teeth, some lingerie for his wife Martha, a seedling cherry tree to replace the one he chopped down a few years earlier, and a few other items on sale.
Why 5 Blades?
5 blades in a shaver: the first blade stretches out the hair, the second blade cuts it off, the third blade goes to the hair’s home and beats up the hair’s family, the fourth blade
destroys the hair’s house and kills the hair’s pets, and the fifth blade hires a defense attorney for the inevitable criminal charges of torture. But the joke is on me; I just bought one of these 5-bladed shavers!
We all need to just live and be happy and laugh a lot and always see the positive side of things. You know, rainbows and puppies, happiness is an attitude, that kind of thing. We need to always be happy and not feel sad or disappointed when people slight us or make us
angry. Did you know that it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4 to extend your middle finger?
A Budget-Cutting Suggestion
With all the talk of trying to balance the budget by finding spending cuts, let me make a suggestion: NASA. I just watched this movie from 1959 named First Man Into Space, and space travel is dangerous. Dangerous, I tell ya! This guy barely got into the ionosphere and he returned a slime-covered homicidal maniac! By the end of the movie he had killed ten people and an unknown number of cattle, and drank up all the blood in the local blood bank! He even became a communist! We shouldn’t be funding stuff like that! We have enough problems!